Why am I here? I'm supposed to go thru this?

No internet at my house, now my pager aim just won’t stay on. Or else I’d need to order $20 one to download. Don’t I feel isolated enough?
Have not paid car insurance for this month yet. Phone bill also due. Have not paid electric and gas for more than couple of months. Need to pay the babysitter Shannon $70 tmw night and my car gas is running low. My bank account is some cents. While another months I would go minus under and thought I could not help it. Right now I’m trying not to over withdrawal but am I at this point I’d have to?
Tried to sell Jax last year and two years winter clothes but only earned $15. I sold something personal for $20 and could do it again I think. I can try to sell some of name brand clothes that I own and don’t wear. I also can try to sell that dress Lucas brought that I worn to Mikey’s wedding. The crib still stands in the way waiting to be sold for cheap.
Next week Tuesday we have a court date. I have not heard from Lucas for two days. He don’t see much of Jax for the past month since he got promoted at work, in fact, I have not had some alone time for a month now other than couple of hours he gone to the camp, being with Margo, and while I go to class. I have not had a break from being a mom this long.
School, I simply cannot focus. I could not buy the books this summer; I decided not to try that hard to get more loans for it. A classmate made copies from the textbook and voluntarily offered to help. I have paper due tonight. Will I finish the paper? And will I be lucky to have ‘preter Erin to proofread? I don’t think I have things that good my way for a long time.
Jax is extremely frustrating at times or is it because I’m me as a deaf single mom who is wired. Today for example, we went to the beach. While walking to the beach from the parking lot, naturally I’d carry couple of bags and trying to run a order for Jax to stay followed. Yes he would run off from me at times, what I’d do? Drop the bags and run after him? Calling after him, loudly and louder. Tried to grab him to attention, after couple of misses, it looked like I really grabbed him hard and he arched his back to wriggle his way out. While I’d try to communicate with him, taming him to give me eyes, it’s no use. So far best trick I could say, “home?”
While on the beach, he would go family hopping, being friendly and naïve, wanting to play with them, eat their foods, and sit with them. So what I do? Go after him, reminded him he got foods and juice at our towel..
Potty training is also an bumpy journey, I think Jax is terrified to use potty to poo. He holds back in. its no good. Regressions? Or just a power struggle? The stinky tales of the poopy panties.
This morning for the first time Jax did not want to go to school. He cried hard. I decided to stick around for little bit, finally he forgot about his feelings and started to play. So many new changes going on for him? I remembered that I should try to take few steps backwards, let him be a baby, that way he can feel ready to take next new steps. It worked for him that way since he was born.
My health, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My spiritual side is nowhere seen. My dreaming world has been having its own spins but I am not connected. I am current (one day at a time) and aware (I notice the situation I’m in) but empty (am I doing my best? Living it up? I don’t know).
Ok… for some reason I’d like to know what another people are stressed out about these days.
In wrap, good things to think about…
I have a son, he’s healthy and happy and safe. He sneaks to my bed to be more comfortable. He's doing so well, especially with a Mom who is always stressed.

I have home, foods, car, clothes, and education.

I have two cats, even though my life is said to be full, I have room to welcome and love them. I am able to hug, feed them, and clean after them (more patience).

Small things I’m lucky about: half bud, sun kissed skin, Kleenex, Yankees candles Jen and I split, ceiling fans in every rooms, car is doing ok, family that loves Jax, him going to the camp at my college for 6 weeks for $56, foodstamps, Salem Public Library, Winter Island, the neighborhood we can take a walk, pager, Mac, camera, ipod, nice long nail, enough of changes to make copies of an article I'm supposed to writing a paper about right now.